resting. The circles under her eyes were now dark like plums.
“Let’s go upstairs, Dad,” Celeste said. “We can decide what
you want to wear for the party. Mom and I bought you some new
shirts yesterday.”
331
“I’m not going to the party,” Mr. Lazar said. He leaned
forward so that his face was practically touching the windowpane.
“That’s okay,” Celeste said. “We still need to get you cleaned
up and dressed.”
“Can’t you do that in a bit?” David said. “Leena just met
him.”
“Don’t you have to go finish cooking or something?” Celeste
replied. “People will be here in a couple of hours.”
I hooked a finger in one of David’s belt loops. “I can see your
father later. What can I do to help out?”
“Anything Leena can do?” David said. “To help with your
project?”
“I don’t give a fuck what Leena does,” Celeste said.
“Jesus,” David said. “What’s your problem?”
I had to blink away the threat of shocked tears, even though I
knew better.
“Nothing,” she said. “Sorry. I have a terrible headache.” She
clamped the bridge of her nose between her thumb and index
finger.
“Do you want something for it?” I asked.
“No.”
“I know you don’t like taking stuff. But it will—”
332
“Nothing will make it better.”
After Celeste’s outburst and meeting Mr. Lazar, I slipped
away to a downstairs half bath and used one of the pills I’d
brought with me to take the edge off. I hadn’t wanted to
medicate today, mostly because of Celeste’s theory that I had a
problem with it. But my first day at the Lazars’ house didn’t seem
to be a good time to prove I was fine without them. Not to
mention, who cared if I wasn’t fine without them? They weren’t
harmful, like alcohol or whatever. They were a valid way of
dealing with a stressful situation. If David didn’t have such a harsh
view of meds, I wouldn’t have cared at all if Celeste told him.
Ironically, though, after the initial bumps, the day became
surprisingly enjoyable. Mrs. Lazar— Phippy—had plenty of things
for me to do around the house while we were waiting for people
to come, and David needed help in the kitchen. Once everyone
arrived, you’d have thought I’d been coming to Lazar functions
since birth. Everyone was nice and funny and easy to talk to. And
not one person asked me where I was applying to college. That
had to be some sort of record for a high school senior at a social
event with adults. Most of the time was spent talking about food.
“This pea-pod thing is amazing! Did you try one, Leena,
hon?” David’s aunt Jill said. “Davey’s incredible, isn’t he? And do
you know he’s like a genius? He was doing multiplication at two
or something. Ask Phippy about it.”
333
I’d definitely learned that the female members of the family
thought I’d snagged quite a catch.
“What about the bruschetta?” her daughter, Meg, said.
“God. And where did you get that dress, Leena? It’s really cute.”
“Thanks. Anthropologie.” A sticky warmth embraced my
hand. One or another small cousin had grabbed it. Which one was
the towhead?
“I show you somefing,” he said. Gabe. That was his name.
“Leena’s having some food now, hon,” Jill said. “Later you
can show her.”
“Actually, I show now.” He tugged.
Tiny Gabe had an easier time than I did worming through the
clumps of people, most of whom were holding plates and glasses.
I tried to keep up, so that he wouldn’t rip my arm out of its
socket. “Sorry!” I kept saying as I bumped into most of them.
Where was David? I had barely seen him.
“Joan Fontaine,” a white-haired man I’d met earlier said as I
pushed by. He tapped my shoulder repeatedly. “That’s it. You
look like a young Joan Fontaine. I’m sure someone’s told you
that.”
“Nope,” I said. I wasn’t quite sure who Joan Fontaine was. An
old actress, I thought. My arm was still moving so I couldn’t even
stop to find out.
334
Gabe pulled me to the bottom of the staircase then let go of
my hand and scrambled up the stairs like a spider.
“Gabe,” I said, “let’s stay downstairs.” But by the time I said
it he was around the landing and up the next flight. I followed.
At the top of the stairs he pushed open a door into a dim
room—curtains drawn, a big bed over to one side covered with a
mess of burgundy paisley sheets and comforter. Clothes strewn
around. The master bedroom. I’d been shown David’s and
Celeste’s rooms, but not this one.
Gabe pushed open another door, put a hand to his mouth,
and gave a guilty little smile. A big bathroom stood in front of us.
He giggled.
“What did you want to show me?” I said. “We shouldn’t
really be in here.” As if he cared.
He pointed. “Dey’ve got a potty.”
“Yes,” I said. “They do have a potty.”
“I wear big-boy underpants.”
“Gabe?” The woman’s voice came from out in the hallway.
She stuck her face in. “I thought I saw you racing up here.”
Gabe ran over to her.
“He was just showing me the potty,” I said.
“He’s big on potties,” she said. “Do you have to go, Gabey?”
335
“No!” Gabe shouted, and ran off down the hall. His mother
gave me a quick, tired smile and followed him.
I was reaching to pull the bathroom door closed the way we
found it, when it occurred to me that as long as I was here, I
might as well pee.
The toilet seat had a disconcerting, squishy plastic cover on
it. Instead of making me feel comfortable, it made me think of the
other thighs, the other skin, that had pressed on it over the years.
The thought made me shiver.
I washed my hands quickly and was about to slip out when I
noticed a piece of sundried tomato snagged between my front
teeth. Crap. How long had it been there? I leaned forward and
picked at it with my pinky nail. Did I have crumbs in my hair, too?
As I checked, out of the corner of my eye I glimpsed a largish
metal bracket on one side of the medicine cabinet. Huh. A lock? I
pulled at the mirrored door. Yup. It made sense, if this was Mr.
Lazar’s room. My hand automatically reached up and swept
across the cabinet’s top. Sure enough, a blip in the surface turned
out to be a small key.
I had been expecting something, of course, otherwise the
cabinet wouldn’t have been locked, but not what I saw. Rows and
rows of little orange-and-white bottles, interspersed with more
mundane items, but still filling up the majority of the shelf space.
336
I began adjusting the bottles to read their labels. They were
outdated prescriptions, for almost every psychotropic drug I’d
ever heard of: antipsychotics, antianxiety, antidepressives,
sleeping pills. . . .
I stared in amazement. Then, realizing I shouldn’t stay too
long, I began fumbling with the caps and with the tiny tablets and
not-so-tiny tablets, wrapping each group in separate wads of
tissue, writing on the outside in an eyeliner pencil what each
group was. Not all the bottles, of course. I picked five. My bag was
downstairs, and I didn’t have any pockets. How was I going to
carry them? I shoved a couple of packets down the sides of my
high leather boots, a couple in my bra, one in my tights.
A noise came from outside the door. I turned on the tap,
praying the running water would mask the sounds as I carefully
put the bottles back in the cabinet. Damn—I was taking too long.
I flushed the toilet, opened the bathroom door slowly.
Celeste and her father sat on the bed. “What are you doing
here?” Celeste asked.
“Sorry,” I said. “Gabe took me up here and then I needed to
pee so I used this bathroom. I hope that’s okay.”
“Raiding the medicine cabinet?” she said.
My heart stopped. “No, I —”
337
“You really shouldn’t be here,” Mr. Lazar said to the floor.
“Why would you be here? Did someone tell you to be here?”
“I . . .”
“It’s okay, Dad,” Celeste said. “Leena is my friend. She was
just using the bathroom.”
Mr. Lazar shook his head from side to side. “No one should
be here. You told me that no one would be here. There are so
many people.” His voice had become inappropriately loud.
“I’m sorry,” I said, moving as quickly as possible toward the
door. “I didn’t know.”
“Why are you here?” Mr. Lazar continued. “No one knows
you. You shouldn’t be here.”
“Sorry,” I said again to Celeste as I finally made it out to the
hallway.
I hurried down the stairs, almost tripping on the way. Once in
the crowd of people, I looked all around. Faces that had taken on
a familiar note before now were just strangers, again. I didn’t
know these people. What was I doing here? All of my muscles
were tense. I needed to get the pills into my bag. Which room
was it in? Or better yet, I needed to leave. I needed to leave right
now.
“Leena, hon? Everything okay?” Mrs. Lazar rested a hand on
my shoulder.
338
I tried to relax, unclenched my fists. “I’m fine,” I said. “I upset
your husband. I didn’t mean to.” My fists. Shit. Something was in
my right hand. The key.
“Ah,” she said. “Don’t worry about it. Please. This was a hard
day for him, all the people. You’ll have to come back and see him
some other time. Just you and David.” She gave my shoulder a
gentle squeeze.
“Sure, yeah. That would be great.” I needed to return the
key, but I couldn’t go back upstairs while Mr. Lazar was there.
“Where’s that David kid hiding?” she said.
“I don’t know. Maybe the kitchen?”
Mrs. Lazar reached for my elbow and began leading me in
that direction, down a hall that was empty of people.
“He takes so much on, with his father and sister. It’s
wonderful for him to have a . . . a friend like you who isn’t so
mercurial, who is so . . . so . . .”
“Grounded?” I said. The tiny key weighed heavily in my
sweaty hand. The tissue wad in my bra was itchy.
“Yes, right,” she said. “I was going to say normal, but then,
what is normal? And what kind of mother calls her daughter
abnormal?” She laughed. “Celeste is a rare bird. I feel very lucky
to have her. But no one would identify stability as her cardinal
trait.”
339
“I guess not.”
“I hear you’re going to New York over the break,” she said.
“Why don’t you come here for Thanksgiving, too? Unless you’ve
got family plans?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t.”
“Invite your parents, as well.”
“Oh, I don’t think—”
We’d reached the kitchen. David was beside me. “That’s a
good idea,” he said. He looked at me hopefully.
“Wel ,” I said, “my mom will be in LA. I suppose I could invite
my dad, though. David, do you remember where I put my bag? I
need something out of it.”
After finding my bag in the mudroom, I hid out in the
downstairs bath and transferred the pills into it. I still needed to
return the key, though. As far as I could tell, Celeste and Mr. Lazar
had never emerged from his room. I was biding my time, talking
to the older man who thought I looked like the movie star, when
David tapped me on the shoulder.
“I’m going to head out for a bit to drive my dad back to
Riverside. Is that okay?”
“Of course,” I said. Yes! Take him! “Do you want to borrow
my car?”
340
“No, no,” he said. “I’ll take Mom’s. It’s about ten minutes
away so I won’t be long. I’d ask you to come, but it’s probably
better—”
“That’s totally okay,” I said. “I can fend for myself.”
I stood by a window in the living room, watching until the car
rolled out of the driveway and down the street. I checked around
the party rooms for Celeste. No sign of her. I casually walked back
up the stairs. The door to the Lazars’ room was shut. I knocked
lightly. No answer. “Celeste?” I said. Nothing.
I slipped inside and shut the door behind me. Get in, get out.
No problem. Just walk through. Don’t look around. My armpits
were sweaty. I made it across the room, gripped the bathroom
door handle.
Then I heard it. The slightest shifting of fabric. I turned. My
eyes fumbled to make out shapes in the gloom. There. Subtle
movement underneath a large desk. Shit.
“Hello?” I said tentatively.
No answer.
“Are you okay?”
“Leave me alone, Leena.” The voice was Celeste’s. But it was
rough and strained. She’d been crying.
I took slow steps toward her and lowered myself down so I
was kneeling next to the desk.
341
“What’s wrong?” I said.
Her thin arms wrapped around one knee. Her whole body
shook.
“Are you sick?”
“No.” She began sobbing so hard she could barely speak.
Noises from the party floated up the stairs. She rocked back and
forth.
“What can I do?” I said. “Tell me. Do you want me to get
David?” I remembered he was gone. “Or your mother?”
“No!” she said. “I’m . . . I’m . . . I’m just too tired to fight it
anymore.” Her words were forced out between sobs and gulps for
air. “I’m so, so tired.”
“Fight what?” I said.
“How can you not know?” She gripped a leg of the desk, as if
to steady herself. “How can you not know?”
“Celeste, I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” My pulse
had quickened. The tone of her words, her body language, her
incoherence—it all made me worry I was in over my head. “Can
you come out and sit on the bed? It would be easier to talk.”
She maneuvered out from under the desk. She was visibly
