“Hannibal.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m taking you to Hannibal, Missouri.”
“Hannibal.”
“That’s right. It’s forty minutes there, forty back, and we’ll be there two, two-and-a-half hours, max. We’ll get you to Louis Challa’s by five to retrieve your car, and you’ll be home by five-thirty. Perkins will be in your driveway at six. You’ve got dinner reservations at Guiseppi’s at six-fifteen, and from there, it’s on to the concert.”
“You must be joking! I can’t afford all that!”
“The limo’s on me. And by tonight, the cost of Guiseppi’s will be no more than an afterthought for you.”
I roll my eyes. “Really? And why’s that?”
“Because we’re going to Hannibal!”
“So you say.”
“Ready?”
“What the hell is in Hannibal?”
Jefferson taps the window with his knuckles, and Perkins opens his door. Before exiting the limo, Jefferson leans over to me and whispers, “Your million dollars!”
Chapter 13
We’re wheels up in the jet, gaining altitude. The electronic map on the wall panel shows our speed, altitude, and estimated arrival time to Hannibal. I’ve just been told we’re going there to pick up my million dollars.
From the wish list I filled out Sunday night.
“How is this possible?”
“You filled out the form,” he says.
I’m exasperated, and the look on my face shows it. “You’re trying to tell me that everyone who fills out a form gets their wishes?”
“No. Percentage-wise, it’s only a handful.”
“Then, why me?”
“The wishes have to be grantable.”
“But my list isn’t possible.”
“Why’s that?” he says.
“The first item on my list was to fuck Jinny Kidwell.”
Thomas Jefferson clenches his jaw.
Chapter 14
We land at Hannibal Regional Airport to find another stretch limo waiting for us. It’s cold in Hannibal, and remnants of a recent snow line the runway. Jefferson and I climb into the car and ride a two-lane road a short distance until it intersects I-36. We take the East-bound ramp and pick up speed.
For the record, I don’t believe we’re on our way to pick up a million dollars in cash. At the same time, I’m not beyond considering the possibility, since in the past hour I’ve secured a twenty million dollar loan app and taken my first limo and private jet rides. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m beyond thinking this is some sort of joke. I mean, why would anyone go to this much trouble for a joke? And if it is a joke, it’s a helluva nice one! If this is someone’s idea of funny, they can prank me every week!
“You’re skeptical,” Jefferson says.
“How could I not be?”
“Have I ever lied to you?”
“The golf game.”
“I lied to Oglethorpe about the golf game. Not you.”
I think he’s splitting hairs, but I’m more interested in the money. “So you’re saying I’m about to be a millionaire.”
“That’s what I’m saying.”
“What’s the catch?”
He seems surprised. “What makes you think there’s a catch?”
“Well, according to the sign, we’re already in Hannibal. You said we’ll be here at least two hours. It shouldn’t take that long to pick up a million dollars.”
He studies me a moment, and says, “That’s actually very perceptive. I may have underestimated you.”
“So there is a catch.”
“There is.”
“I have to do something to get the money.”
“Yes, you do.”
“Something that’s going to take me two hours.”
A cloud passes over his face. I wonder if he’s angry, or just sick of all my questions.
“That’s up to you,” he says.
“How long would it take you to do it?”
The look that may have been anger turns to sadness.
“A lifetime,” he says.
We pass some farm houses, an antique barn, and a flea market whose sign says they’re open weekends from April through September. I see billboards advertising Mark Twain’s Riverboat Tour, and Cameron Cave, and a sign that shows which fast food restaurants are available at the next exit.
“This thing I have to do,” I say.
“What about it?”
“Where is it going to take place?”
“Riverview Park.”
“How far is that from here?”
“Couple minutes.”
I feel a strong sense of foreboding. My stomach is poised to lurch. The only thing keeping me from vomiting is remembering Jefferson’s comments: we’re picking up the money, and we’ll be back in Louisville by five. So whatever it is, it has to be something he feels I’m capable of doing. I ask myself, what would I do for a million dollars?
Would I do anything?
“I’m not going to kill anyone,” I say.
“Darn!” he says, sarcastically.
We enter the park and immediately come to a guard station. Outside my window it looks like a police parking lot, with two dozen state and local cop cars, two sheriff’s cars, and a dozen police motorcycles. None of the cops are with their vehicles, and all the lights are off. The driver shows his ID to the gate guy and we start moving slowly through the park, past an enormous yellow fire truck, two white ambulances, a red one, and three news vans with various station logos. There are taxis and tow trucks and cars of every style and color.
We’re rolling purposefully through the park now, a park littered with tractor trailers, and sound and lighting systems. Two dark gray vans with Department of Defense emblems catch my eye, and then I see the people. Hundreds of them, clustered in groups. Some are having animated discussions, with cold air smoke billowing from their mouths. Others are milling around. We drive slowly through the mass of people, toward a line of giant trailers.
Standing before these five trailers, guarding them, are ten of the most formidable men I’ve ever seen. There are two such men in front of each trailer. They’re wearing sunglasses and dark business suits and have electronic communication devices that extend from their ears to their mouths.
The limo pulls to a stop twenty feet in front of the largest trailer.
“What’s in there?” I ask.
“Your money.”
I look at the two guards standing between me and the trailer. Their dull-eyed expressions suggest they could kill me faster than I could crush a grape.
I turn back to Jefferson.
“You’re telling me there’s a million dollars in that trailer?”
“That’s what I’m telling you.”
I focus on the trailer. It’s about forty feet long, twelve high, with windowed sections pulled out on either side of the front door. It sits three feet off the ground, and is equipped with two propane tanks. Lettered on the lower right are the words Elkhardt Location Equipment, followed by a phone number with a 505 area code.
“A million dollars weighs less than you think,” Jefferson says.
“Excuse me?”
“I’m just saying, you might be surprised by the weight.”
“I work in a bank, remember?”
“You’ve held a million dollars in cash before?”
“Of course.”
“Really?”
“Not all at the same time.”
He nods. “That’s funny.” Then he adds, “A million dollars in hundred dollar bills weighs 20.4 pounds, not counting the weight of the straps around the bricks.”
“Bricks?”
“Each brick is a $50,000 bundle. There are twenty bricks in a million dollars.”
“I knew that.”
“Of course, the briefcase will add some weight.”
“Of course,” I say, trying to sound as though I have these sorts of conversations every day.
We look at each other a moment.
“You swear to God there’s a million dollars in that trailer, in a suitcase?”
He is either angry or impatient, and his face shows it.
“Briefcase,” he says.
“Really?”
“Really.”
I nod. “What do I have to do to get it?”
“Fuck Jinny Kidwell.”
Chapter 15
The one thing I know beyond all doubt is Jinny Kidwell is not in that trailer. Nor is there a million dollars in a briefcase in bricks of hundred dollar bills. But I also know I’m going to try to get past these guards and into the trailer, just to see how this thing plays out.
I take a deep breath, open the door, and approach the big eaters, fully expecting them to beat the living hell out of me. The first one holds me at bay with his ham hock of a hand while checking my face against a photo. After a few seconds, he passes it to the other guy, who studies it carefully, then says, “Your name?”
“Charles Pancake.”
“Says here, Buddy Pancake.”
“My nickname.”
“Social Security number?”
I tell him.
He nods, indicating the trailer door. I walk up the aluminum steps and knock.
The first thing I notice about Jinny Kidwell is how tiny she is, and how frail she appears. The next is her porcelain skin. I’m so stunned to be in her presence, I nearly fall backward off the steps.
“Buddy?” she says.
I try to speak, but my throat is pinched shut. All that emerges is a tiny mouse-like squeak. I feel my face redden, and clear my throat to hide my embarrassment. She flashes her radiant smile, the one that earns the big bucks, and says, “Please come in.”
I want to turn to see what’s happening behind me, in case Jefferson and the body guards are laughing or getting ready to kill me or to see if I’m being filmed for some sort of cruel reality show. But my eyes are glued to her face. When she steps back and opens the door I enter. She closes the door, locks it, and briefly presses her body against it. Her back is to me, and her head dips slightly. She moves to the window and stops a moment to place her hand on the window pane. Her shoulders sag slightly, and I hear her give off a small sigh. Then she closes the curtains. When at last she turns to face me, her eyes appear moist, but her expression is incredibly seductive.
She glances to her right, and I follow her gaze to see a couch located in one of the sections that extends outward, that gives the front of the trailer a three dimensional look. In front of the couch is a small coffee table that holds a cut-crystal tumbler filled with ice.
“Can I pour you a drink?”
Jinny Kidwell said that. Not some look-alike actress, body double, or high-tech hologram. Like Nicole Kidman, there is only one Jinny Kidwell, and her voice is as unique as her appearance. Often imitated by that talented comedian on Saturday Night Live, among others, no one can quite nail Jinny’s voice. It’s smoky like Demi Moore’s, but not as husky or deep. So this is her, and we’re in the same room, sharing the same air, and she’s offered me a drink, and the only thing I can think to say is, “Why?”
Her laughter seems sincere. She takes a seat in the chair across from me and says, “Why, what?”
I gesture at her, and shake my head.
“Seriously, what’s going on here?”
She starts to speak, then pauses, as if trying to formulate the proper words. While she does that, I allow my eyes to take in her entire frame. Although the Jinny Kidwell before me is very close to how she appears on the big screen, I realize the camera has never properly captured her perfect skin, upon which there are no blemishes, wrinkles, or marks of any kind. No freckles or moles on her face, arms or legs that I can see.
Speaking of her legs, they are jaw-droppingly perfect. Impossibly long, and toned to a degree that stops just short of being muscular, these legs draw you in and hold your gaze like Medusa’s head.
“Are you okay?” she says.
I force my eyes upward. She’s smiling coyly. What must her lips and tongue taste like? Before Lissie came into my life, all my sexual conquests smelled the same: like closing time at the local bar.
I put it all out there: “I’m old, fat, broke and ugly.”
She smiled. “You’re not so old.”
“Compared to you, I’m a dinosaur. I’m a complete nobody. I’m lousy in bed, and…”
“And you’re married,” she says.
I’m stunned. “You knew?”
“You’re married to Lissie. She’s very pretty.”
“You’ve seen her?”
“I’ve seen a photo.”
I don’t know what to say. Nothing makes sense.
“I’m married too,” she says.
“You are?”
She looks at me curiously. “You sure you’re a fan?”
“I know you through your movies.”
She nods.
Despite the absurdity of my presence, I love being here, love knowing that Jinny Kidwell is sitting a mere six feet in front of me. I love her attention, love exchanging words with her, love looking at her.
But this is crazy.
“Jinny,” I say, then shake my head thinking how ridiculous her name sounds coming out of my mouth.
She waits expectantly.
“Is it okay to call you Jinny?”
She looks at me as if I might be crazy. She’s right. I’m in her trailer, been told I’m here to have sex with her, asking if I can call her by her name. I start over.
“Did they tell you why I’m here?”
She blushes.
I can’t believe I’m sitting here talking to Jinny Kidwell, making her blush like a coed. She bites the corner of her bottom lip nervously.
And stands.
She’s wearing—I now notice—a leopard print mini skirt and a black (she told me later) Ferretti silk tee, with a jeweled, sunburst print. I can’t remember the style and pedigree of her sandals, but they were lovingly crafted by some premier designer exclusively for her.
She says, “Buddy, I don’t know if I can make you understand this from my point of view, but in my whole life I’ve only been intimate with three men. I may seem like a household name to you, but the truth is I’ve only been a mega star for a year. Like you, I made a wish.”
Every time she opens her mouth, I’m stunned by the words that emerge.
“You made a wish to be famous?”
She nods.
“And they somehow granted it?”
“They did.”
“Who are these people?”
“I’ll tell you this much: I’ve been given the opportunity of a lifetime, and it’s good karma to give back. My wish was very important to me, and yours is very flattering.”
“Flattering?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“They told me your number one wish was to be intimate with me. Is that not true?”
“Yes, it’s true, but—”
“—Out of every wish you could have made, this is the first thing that came to your mind. Can you not understand how amazing a compliment that is to me?”
“Yes, but—”
“But?”
“You’re married,” I say.
“As you are.”
“Yes.”
“And two hours from now, when you leave, we’ll still be married.”
I don’t know how to respond to that, so I just stare at her mouth, wondering how the mere act of speaking can appear so provocative.
