was a child my father told me this bullshit for the night. After that I used to pee in the bed for a long time because of fear. My dad always left my bedroom, thinking that I’d fallen asleep, and turned off the light. In his philosophical point of view, he was bringing up courage in me. And I was left alone with the monster. It stared at me with the fiery eyes from a dark corner…
Golyshkin. Actually, well-behaved children say “hello” when they enter a room full of adult guests.
Rodion. My father still can not get used to a fact, that I’ve grown up. But he is definitely right about one thing. At any age, you have to be polite. I apologize! Greetings to all who have gathered here today to celebrate the Bastille Day. It’s the same day as the one of the faceted glass or the day of the beeps, or…
Olga comes in.
Olga. Haven’t you forgotten about me?
Rodion. Hello Olya!
Golyshkin. Why do you call her Olya, you, boy?!
Olga. Stalver Udarpyatovich, will you introduce me to your guests? I feel really embarrassed.
Golyshkin. I am sorry, Olga Alekseevna, you are absolutely right. No one is interested in our family disputes. Let me introduce you my guests. Mr. Myshevsky. He is a mastermind of our today’s event.
Myshevsky. Mr. Myshevsky is too official for our tight circle of friends. You may call me Andrey Sigizmundovich. Or it’s better just Аndrey. My patronymic name is too complex to pronounce. Thanks to my father.
Olga. I am just Olya then.
Golyshkin. They are Mr. Myshevsky’s friends…
Vykhuholev. Sergey.
Olga. Nice to meet you – Olya!
Golyshkin. This is Elena Pavlovna.
Ogranovich. Yes, and please, keep in mind, that I am not Lena! I dislike this trend of calling everyone by their short names with no regard to age and rank. Lena, Lena! It sounds like one is calling a dog. I differ from a yard dog by that fact that I do know who my father was.
Olga. Olga Alekseevna.
Rodion. And you can call me Rodion Stalverovich. I am the son of Professor Golyshkin. Please, love and favor.
Myshevsky. Dear Rodion Stalverovich, I think we’d prefer to love Olga Alekseevna, but as for you, we are ready just to favor you.
Rodion. Sure! I love her myself.
Golyshkin. Rodion! Don’t forget that you are in a decent society!
Rodion. So, why is it indecent for a man to talk about his love for a woman?
Vykhuholev. Probably, it started since it has become decent in our society to talk about his love to a man. It's such a psychological paradox.
Rodion. I would call it a stupid perversion.
Vykhuholev. The voice of a child is the voice of God.
Rodion. Do you call me a child?!
Vykhuholev. Would you like to play a game of chess with me, Rodion Stalverovich?
Rodion. Not at all.
Ogranovich. And you are right, since you will lose anyway.
Rodion. I wonder, why?!
Ogranovich. I will reveal you a secret, but just don’t breath a word!
Rodion. I am silent as a fish!
Ogranovich. This self-proclaimed chess grandmaster has a real ability to get into other people's brain. And he thoroughly digs into it. Once I played with him. I felt like I’d had a lobotomy – a very painful brain surgery. Since then I wouldn’t recommended anyone to play with him.
Vykhuholev. I heard everything! It’s a blatant lie! This is just a pathetic revenge of a rejected woman. Elena Pavlovna expected that, if she lost the game, she would have immediately ended up in my bed. But her dreams didn’t come true. I was not so generous or drunk, I don’t remember now. Then she got spiteful and started to spread some dirty rumors about me. She claimed that I am not interested in women at all.
Ogranovich. But this is the holy truth! I can confirm that even with the oath in court.
Myshevsky. This can go on for a long time if we don't interfere. Dear professor!
Golyshkin. Yes, Andrey Sigizmundovich?
Myshevsky. So, when shall we start our session? It seems to me that everyone is ready now. There are exactly six of us, just like you planned.
Golyshkin. Now let's start then. But first, I should ask everyone to put off something.
Olga. I hope not a dress? I heard that at some satanic sessions everyone strips naked and then they have wild parties. But I was invited to a spiritual seance, and that's quite different, isn't it?
Golyshkin. No, not clothes, of course, Olga Alekseevna. Don't worry. I mean metal things, like rings, bracelets, watches.
Olga. And my diamond ring?!
Golyshkin. It also needs to be removed. These are the rules for communicating with spirits. Rodion, would you please open the window. Then light up the candles and turn off the electric light.
Olga. May I light up the candles?!
Golyshkin. I’d like to ask everyone to take a seat at this table.
Myshevsky. Does it matter who sits next to whom?
Golyshkin. Olga Alekseevna has to sit on my right side, since she will write down messages of Hermes Trismegistus’s. Of course, if he would kindly wish to tell us something, For other members the location at the table does not matter. The main thing is not to move the chairs. They are arranged in the form of a six-pointed star, a hexagram, as I said.
Olga. May I ask your spirit when it appears…
Golyshkin. Sorry, Olga Alekseevna, but I can’t let you this. Only one person, the medium, can speak to the spirit. And that's me. Everyone else just puts their hands on a saucer – you see, here it is, in the middle of the table, in the center of the alphabet circle. Everyone must be silent, no matter what happens during the session.
Olga. Even if…
Golyshkin. Not a single sound, no matter what you might see or hear! Otherwise, the spirit will leave without answering any question. Or even worse, will get angry.
Olga. So what?
Golyshkin. Then he will take cruel revenge.
Ogranovich. I beg you, professor! My nerves are tensed like strings now!
Golyshkin. I thought Mr. Myshevsky has warned his friends about all the possible consequences of
